Moms Life A to Z

I have been sick since Tuesday. I missed yesterday altogether I slept the day away. I feel somewhat better today but life here as always is not the happy place we all need it to be. Is it the full moon or is it the fact that I have been sick. What is it what is causing all of this unhappiness.

Another fight. I still want to be with him eventhough he says he don't trust me right now. He said I am nymphomaniac gee I am not that bad. Yes, I like sex but what women does not. Do I want it every day, sometimes. Do I base my relationship with him on it ? Hell no! Do I think it is funny that as I type most of this he is in the very same room. What I don't get is the trust thing. Oh well.

Legally Blonde is a cute movie.
I am looking forward to getting better. My head still hurts and my belly is still upset tomorrow might be a better day.

One can not build a relationship without trust.

Well after my wonderful day of realizing how much I Love Jesse and how I know now that it has been my dad's influence on my relationships all these years. How I could not wait to talk to him. I was like a kid in the candy store. I was so excited I had a major break through. It was a good day for me. (even though I was not feeling well.... I am either getting sick or the ch. milk I had yesterday morning was bad).

I finally was able to talk to him. Alone! Karley was sleeping and the boys were getting themselves ready for bed. I was a bundle of nerves. I needed to fully explain about my dad his influence on me and how it somewhat has been effecting our relationship. This is really hard. He is not an easy man to talk to. Jesse is a hard person to talk to about anything but wood and fishing. If it is realtionships, kids, money etc, I can't really convay to him whats going on.

I start my conversation. He in puts here and there that I should learn to let go of my dad. I can see he wasn't paying attention. I continue for this is so important to me that I had this break through. We talk about how my Dad cheated on my mom . I did not want to make this about bashing my dad. I want to make this about us. How to get through all the hell we have been going through. I started talking about us. Of course I was taking my time.

He fell asleep. WTF! Here I am telling him how feel and how I finally have most of it figured out. Here I want to make things work here he is going to sleep on me. Why I asked him because you stopped talking. Enough for me. Left the room. Told him I can't make this relationship work and it is never going to work.

Then I here from him that he does not trust me, that about being in debit. Holly Cow this all came from left field. I want to profess my love tell him that I really want to make this all work and I get it. He tells me that he doesn't trust me. Well I really get it now. It is not me that he is interested in. It is the situation. The kids not me. This is just like Doug. He wanted a family he didn't want me. There is not trust there is no relationship. I am such a fool. I though I had it all figured out.

Boy Heather and Jeffrey are wonderful. Who could ask for a better cousin and a brother. They listened to be boohoo about my life once again.

Laura's Life: The Soap Opera. Oh there is a best selling novel. We could start when we first moved to Alries when I turned Six. So much is said and unsaid about the early years. It would be a good Soap Opera. lol

I have figured it out! The meaning behind why I can't have a real relationship. I am scared! The answer has been there for all of these years. My father is to blame. Oh the first real male figure in my life. My dear old dad, God rest his sole, is the answer and the curse in my nightmare, my hell.
Even from his grave he is still controlling my life. Well today is a new day. I am going to try and let of of the fact that I can't make my Dad happy. If don't I will ruin the rest of my life. It is all to painful for me to continue like this.

I love Jesse!

Just maybe it is time I start telling this man how I feel before I really mess things up.


He has nothing to prove to my father. He is not Doug, he is not Steve, he is not anyone that I ever dated. He is Jesse a man that without boundaries came back to me. I must understand that our love was meant to be and let go of my fathers hold. His life of what he wanted for me. Yes I have some of those same dreams but those words ringing in my ears all the time are only holding me back from the best thing that has ever happened to me next to my boys. Jesse!

It is great to be on here again.

I must try so hard to think positive about the way things are and how things can be. I great friend once said, " you must surround yourself by happy people or you will never find happiness." I wish this friend would still be with me today. I have caused such great pain for my friend but maybe my friend is better off without me. For what kind of friend am I if I caused MF such pain. It is not right to be so selfish.

Day in and Day out my head goes around and around. I think so much about everything that is going on I often don't know if I am coming or going.

I finally sent in my paper for SSI. I prolonged it. YES I know dumb fool. I just was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might not be able to work again. It is a strange thing that I am going through but I guess Iwill survive.

I see Dr H today I can only hope that I get some sort of new meds to help with the depression.

UPDATE: Well the Dr. change some of my meds as I knew she would and of course Jesse stayed in the truck. No new news there. I just only wish just once that he would come into the office. Just the support alone would me so much to me. Four weeks of trying new meds four weeks of waiting and seeing if this is going to work. More time to try and get myself together. I am trying so hard. It is so hard. I want to believe that it is going to happen.

I am so tired of Sponge Bob when will the kids (teenagers) get tired of him. Also what is the deal with him being gay. I must read more about this. Barney is gay! Sponge Bob? I miss cat/dog lol that was a strange cartoon.

Man reading other blogs is becoming addicting.

Well it is finally here, the big game day. I sunny day that it is but it is so freaking cold and the few inches of snow we got yesterday just make it a good day for football. Oh wait they don't paly until tonight so it really won't matter. It will be full moon time.

Gemini is in Saturn today. I am going stir crazy being in. I need to get out but Jesse doesn't want to go out. It is to cold for him. We were to have a lunch date today but he is blowing me off. Like always.

I keep thinking about the Dr Phil show I saw on Friday. It is really making me think. What is my connection to this man. Am I really ready for a relationship enough though I feel like I really want one so badly. Though mentally I am not ready.

Where is the love? Where is the sex? Where is the communication. Oh yeah we are good friends but we have lots of the same interest. We have lots of laughs togethers. He needs me to help him with his daughter. He helps me with Zack but that is it. I think about it night and day. It is always on my mind. We act like an old married couple.

This is not accetable to me the way things are. Yet I countinue to let it be day in and day out. I don't want to be alone. I am scared that I will not find anyone. I am getting old. I am fat. I am ugly. I have mastocytosis and bi polar. I am divorced. I have two teenaged boys. I currently can't work do to my illnesses. I am trying to get SSI but I don't know if I will. My ex hushand does not pay support for he is a bum. HE can't find a job. That is a joke he is just a feaking drug addict that says he cares about his kids but yet he hasn't paid in a long long long long long long time.

I don't know it just hurts that at my age love is not in my life. I had hoped that Jesse was it but he is not. I really don't know what to do. I can continue to let things go for Karley and Zacks and Jesse and me just to at least have a friend for he is the only one I have right now. Or do I make big life changes.

This all sucks I am good at dicissions. Hell that is why I was married for so long. It all just sucks.

All I want is a normal life. One happy week. One stress free day. One day when I don't hurt. One day when someone will love me for me and except me for me.