Wednesday, April 14, 2004
This evening was horrible. I was feeling down then Zack had all these kids here and I just could not hadle it. One of the kids hit one of the neighbors cars with a rock. The kid was not at my house. At that time Angie decided to come out and complain about the dog and his poop. though I have been trying really hard to keep up with it I guess it needs to be more. But Angie really was pissed. I just cried I could not stop. I once again felt so over whelmed with just the littlest thing. I can't let this happen I need to get better control over my feelings. I just can't cry when my neighbor is being mean. I can't cry when my kid won't listen to me. I can cry just because I can't handle daily life. It all just sucks.
So what does Jesse do he taps me on the leg. What great support from him. Gee a little hug would of been great. We had to go to office max and then we had dinner at eat n park.
Zack pissed me off. Told him to be home by 9 he was late. Though he called
I did help Karley get her report together it looked wonderful.
I need a break how do I get it. What am I to do. I am so tired but right now I feel high. I am gonna try to relax and then try to get some sleep tonight. The 5-6 hours a night just is not enough.
I have this need to feel like being quite. I just don't feel like talking. I really just don't want to be bugged. All noise and people are just on my nerves. I hurt still but what can I do. Don't know if calling any Dr will do any good or not.
oh well. Must find time for me.
So what does Jesse do he taps me on the leg. What great support from him. Gee a little hug would of been great. We had to go to office max and then we had dinner at eat n park.
Zack pissed me off. Told him to be home by 9 he was late. Though he called
I did help Karley get her report together it looked wonderful.
I need a break how do I get it. What am I to do. I am so tired but right now I feel high. I am gonna try to relax and then try to get some sleep tonight. The 5-6 hours a night just is not enough.
I have this need to feel like being quite. I just don't feel like talking. I really just don't want to be bugged. All noise and people are just on my nerves. I hurt still but what can I do. Don't know if calling any Dr will do any good or not.
oh well. Must find time for me.
Funny how I have been journaling here and in my book. My book give me more freedom to add stickers and to just free write. On here it is a little more structered and I can type fast than I write for some reason so I can say more. So far today is a normal day. I hurt, I'm tired and I feel down. I don't feel to down but it is definetly not up.
I worry that Jesse and I are falling more apart. I can't use the word worry. I won't use it. For if he does not want to be here for me so be it. I will help him with his business the best that I can and than go from there. I don't feel the love and affection that I need or want coming from him. I hear are you ok today? I am not to sure what that really all means "are you ok today" I know we hum do you use made love or had sex the other day Sunday and it was pretty good. I could of went on for hours but hell that is me all the time. Sex crazed.
I wish my brother Jeff would call more often. Maybe once summer comes they will come up and visit me. I can't take going down to that house for it drives me crazy to think what they did to that place. I do miss my brother and all the talkes we use to have. I really enjoyed the good times we had when we all would hang out.
I emailed Mary just to touch base. I feel really guilty about our situation. Her email sounded so cold I will email her a few times just to see if the tone changes and then I will just move on.
I also plan on emailing Tammie to see how she has been doing.
The boys! We had dinner together yesterday what a treat for mom. I really enjoyed sitting down at the table just the 3 of us. God I am so scared that when I go back to work it won't be like this that I am losing them more each day. I over heard them talking the other day about how I made all these plans to do dinner menus and different stuff and I fell through with it all. I must get back to making that happen again. Boy how I would love to go out with the boys and do something with them just the three of us.
I guess my mind and racing today. I am worried that nothing is going to work out right. I wish I knew Gods plan.
Jane told me yesterday that I might be having the letting going issues with my boys. YES I don't want them to grow up they are my life, my sole reason for being here. They are what makes me get up in the morning and do all I do during the day.
I need to decide if I am going back to work or what I am going to do. Oh I love the money. It is such a far drive. Can my nerves handle all the stress of the daily commute. What about winter! What about the effect this is going to have on my children. Look at the effect it had on me. It brought out the Bi Po full forces and caused the break down. I don't need all of that. Can Jesse and Shaun make enough money so that I can take care of the "office" and stay home and go to school? Do I qualify for SSI can I get a longer leave from work if I don't feel llike I am ready to go.
Of course I don't feel like the depkote is working. My moods have not changed. I still get very angry. I only have had a few good moments since I have been off. I do feel tired. I would die to go out and take walk but the darn rain just won't go away. OH my what a life. Well I must go for now. I have to go to the dr's and get more papers that need faxed to the corp office. And of course my house is a reck. I need a maid. I just don't have the energy to clean.
late
I worry that Jesse and I are falling more apart. I can't use the word worry. I won't use it. For if he does not want to be here for me so be it. I will help him with his business the best that I can and than go from there. I don't feel the love and affection that I need or want coming from him. I hear are you ok today? I am not to sure what that really all means "are you ok today" I know we hum do you use made love or had sex the other day Sunday and it was pretty good. I could of went on for hours but hell that is me all the time. Sex crazed.
I wish my brother Jeff would call more often. Maybe once summer comes they will come up and visit me. I can't take going down to that house for it drives me crazy to think what they did to that place. I do miss my brother and all the talkes we use to have. I really enjoyed the good times we had when we all would hang out.
I emailed Mary just to touch base. I feel really guilty about our situation. Her email sounded so cold I will email her a few times just to see if the tone changes and then I will just move on.
I also plan on emailing Tammie to see how she has been doing.
The boys! We had dinner together yesterday what a treat for mom. I really enjoyed sitting down at the table just the 3 of us. God I am so scared that when I go back to work it won't be like this that I am losing them more each day. I over heard them talking the other day about how I made all these plans to do dinner menus and different stuff and I fell through with it all. I must get back to making that happen again. Boy how I would love to go out with the boys and do something with them just the three of us.
I guess my mind and racing today. I am worried that nothing is going to work out right. I wish I knew Gods plan.
Jane told me yesterday that I might be having the letting going issues with my boys. YES I don't want them to grow up they are my life, my sole reason for being here. They are what makes me get up in the morning and do all I do during the day.
I need to decide if I am going back to work or what I am going to do. Oh I love the money. It is such a far drive. Can my nerves handle all the stress of the daily commute. What about winter! What about the effect this is going to have on my children. Look at the effect it had on me. It brought out the Bi Po full forces and caused the break down. I don't need all of that. Can Jesse and Shaun make enough money so that I can take care of the "office" and stay home and go to school? Do I qualify for SSI can I get a longer leave from work if I don't feel llike I am ready to go.
Of course I don't feel like the depkote is working. My moods have not changed. I still get very angry. I only have had a few good moments since I have been off. I do feel tired. I would die to go out and take walk but the darn rain just won't go away. OH my what a life. Well I must go for now. I have to go to the dr's and get more papers that need faxed to the corp office. And of course my house is a reck. I need a maid. I just don't have the energy to clean.
late
