Sunday, January 23, 2005
Steeler Day
Well it is finally here, the big game day. I sunny day that it is but it is so freaking cold and the few inches of snow we got yesterday just make it a good day for football. Oh wait they don't paly until tonight so it really won't matter. It will be full moon time.
Gemini is in Saturn today. I am going stir crazy being in. I need to get out but Jesse doesn't want to go out. It is to cold for him. We were to have a lunch date today but he is blowing me off. Like always.
I keep thinking about the Dr Phil show I saw on Friday. It is really making me think. What is my connection to this man. Am I really ready for a relationship enough though I feel like I really want one so badly. Though mentally I am not ready.
Where is the love? Where is the sex? Where is the communication. Oh yeah we are good friends but we have lots of the same interest. We have lots of laughs togethers. He needs me to help him with his daughter. He helps me with Zack but that is it. I think about it night and day. It is always on my mind. We act like an old married couple.
This is not accetable to me the way things are. Yet I countinue to let it be day in and day out. I don't want to be alone. I am scared that I will not find anyone. I am getting old. I am fat. I am ugly. I have mastocytosis and bi polar. I am divorced. I have two teenaged boys. I currently can't work do to my illnesses. I am trying to get SSI but I don't know if I will. My ex hushand does not pay support for he is a bum. HE can't find a job. That is a joke he is just a feaking drug addict that says he cares about his kids but yet he hasn't paid in a long long long long long long time.
I don't know it just hurts that at my age love is not in my life. I had hoped that Jesse was it but he is not. I really don't know what to do. I can continue to let things go for Karley and Zacks and Jesse and me just to at least have a friend for he is the only one I have right now. Or do I make big life changes.
This all sucks I am good at dicissions. Hell that is why I was married for so long. It all just sucks.
All I want is a normal life. One happy week. One stress free day. One day when I don't hurt. One day when someone will love me for me and except me for me.
Gemini is in Saturn today. I am going stir crazy being in. I need to get out but Jesse doesn't want to go out. It is to cold for him. We were to have a lunch date today but he is blowing me off. Like always.
I keep thinking about the Dr Phil show I saw on Friday. It is really making me think. What is my connection to this man. Am I really ready for a relationship enough though I feel like I really want one so badly. Though mentally I am not ready.
Where is the love? Where is the sex? Where is the communication. Oh yeah we are good friends but we have lots of the same interest. We have lots of laughs togethers. He needs me to help him with his daughter. He helps me with Zack but that is it. I think about it night and day. It is always on my mind. We act like an old married couple.
This is not accetable to me the way things are. Yet I countinue to let it be day in and day out. I don't want to be alone. I am scared that I will not find anyone. I am getting old. I am fat. I am ugly. I have mastocytosis and bi polar. I am divorced. I have two teenaged boys. I currently can't work do to my illnesses. I am trying to get SSI but I don't know if I will. My ex hushand does not pay support for he is a bum. HE can't find a job. That is a joke he is just a feaking drug addict that says he cares about his kids but yet he hasn't paid in a long long long long long long time.
I don't know it just hurts that at my age love is not in my life. I had hoped that Jesse was it but he is not. I really don't know what to do. I can continue to let things go for Karley and Zacks and Jesse and me just to at least have a friend for he is the only one I have right now. Or do I make big life changes.
This all sucks I am good at dicissions. Hell that is why I was married for so long. It all just sucks.
All I want is a normal life. One happy week. One stress free day. One day when I don't hurt. One day when someone will love me for me and except me for me.
# posted by Kelmitt @ 8:19 AM 
