Monday, April 19, 2004
Monday. hum
lets see I have not written since the 14th the day I visited my dad.
I visited my mom yesterday the 18th
Jesse and I have not made love since Thursday. NO not keeping track ok maybe a little. But I think it will helps to explain my up and down weekend. OH my was I up and then down. Just like today. Though today I have not cried. I am ok one min down the next or I am way zipping around doing many differnet things kinda like adult adhd.
Oh the 15th was Thursday. Took Karley and Alyssia swimming. Jesse and I talked a bit about many different things but we don't ever talk about me and my "condition". Ok I haven't really talked to him about me being BiPo yet. I am still scared.
Ok my bowl has been daily. Not normal for me lose and then soft and then hard. I don't know which is worse.
Thursday I think I went to Donna church and got some more stuff.
Friday I know I got more stuff and then I watched Karley at her house so she could play with her gf. Danielle. I had to take her to her mom's that day for JP was running late. Joan Crawford (JC) was not at all happy about it. Called JP and told him I don't want her on my street etc. He mentioned that her bf was in jail she hung up.
Took the boys shopping on Friday with JP 2 Khols first dinner at the mall. ZC was being rude so was AC. AC told me that I should not ever shop for him again for I don't know what clothes he likes etc. and that he would not get anything from the good will or the red white and blue. So to spit him I have been buying Zack lots of clothes at the RWB and Alex won't have half the summer clothes Z will for I am only giving A the same amount of money to shop with. Teach him to mess with me.
I did buy JP a nice shirt, shorts and a sweet shirt.
OH I got a lamp. I am so excited. It is the kind I have been looking for. I left the tag on it. I paid 4 bucksaroos for it.
Shopping Friday with those kids just drove me and Jesse crazy. It was like shopping with Kar but worse.
Z got shoes. A got some outfits.
Me nothing for I want to wait until I lose some of this weight. Though Michelle told me Saturday at Church that she is going to give me some of her old stuff that she no longer needs since her and Vinny are moving in with her mom she needs to get ride of some stuff. Bring it on babie I need all the clothes I can get. I have nothing for summer.
I gave Jesse lots of attitude this weekend. I think no I know it is because I feel lonely. I don't know how to tell him anything about what is going on in my head and in my heart. I tried a bit yesterday to explain how my heart hurts. But I don't know how to explain that I need more from our relationship. That was my big issue yesterday. I want and need to feel more connected to him. I need more feeling that he cares. I could of cried yesterday when I first got to his house he was laying on his bed I was doing something and he kinda held my hand for a bit. I melted. I wanted to yell out I want more of this I need more of this please don't stop. But I got nervous and just let it all happen without a word.
Ok I just forgot what I was going to say.
Saturday. I was so down. I cried and then I was fine. I cried alot on Saturday. Jesse and I did make it to church. It is going to be a good series. I took notes a bit so I can come home and read and learn more about was Stu was saying. I am thinking I will do this every week so I can further my studies. Zack received a book for his joining Donna's church. I was reading some of it today. I am going to put some of it to use in my other journal. That is if I can find it. :)
I went for a walk down at SS Park yesterday morning. I was really cring and such and thought a good 30 min walk would do me some good. It did I did feel a bit better. I have been hurting a lot though. My masto bumbs hurt again. My shoulders and arms are bugging me. Also I have been itchy a lot. I don't know what the deal is.
I have been planting. I love to play with the dirt. I have to design my garden and get the boys to start moving the earth.
more later kinda tired right now.
lets see I have not written since the 14th the day I visited my dad.
I visited my mom yesterday the 18th
Jesse and I have not made love since Thursday. NO not keeping track ok maybe a little. But I think it will helps to explain my up and down weekend. OH my was I up and then down. Just like today. Though today I have not cried. I am ok one min down the next or I am way zipping around doing many differnet things kinda like adult adhd.
Oh the 15th was Thursday. Took Karley and Alyssia swimming. Jesse and I talked a bit about many different things but we don't ever talk about me and my "condition". Ok I haven't really talked to him about me being BiPo yet. I am still scared.
Ok my bowl has been daily. Not normal for me lose and then soft and then hard. I don't know which is worse.
Thursday I think I went to Donna church and got some more stuff.
Friday I know I got more stuff and then I watched Karley at her house so she could play with her gf. Danielle. I had to take her to her mom's that day for JP was running late. Joan Crawford (JC) was not at all happy about it. Called JP and told him I don't want her on my street etc. He mentioned that her bf was in jail she hung up.
Took the boys shopping on Friday with JP 2 Khols first dinner at the mall. ZC was being rude so was AC. AC told me that I should not ever shop for him again for I don't know what clothes he likes etc. and that he would not get anything from the good will or the red white and blue. So to spit him I have been buying Zack lots of clothes at the RWB and Alex won't have half the summer clothes Z will for I am only giving A the same amount of money to shop with. Teach him to mess with me.
I did buy JP a nice shirt, shorts and a sweet shirt.
OH I got a lamp. I am so excited. It is the kind I have been looking for. I left the tag on it. I paid 4 bucksaroos for it.
Shopping Friday with those kids just drove me and Jesse crazy. It was like shopping with Kar but worse.
Z got shoes. A got some outfits.
Me nothing for I want to wait until I lose some of this weight. Though Michelle told me Saturday at Church that she is going to give me some of her old stuff that she no longer needs since her and Vinny are moving in with her mom she needs to get ride of some stuff. Bring it on babie I need all the clothes I can get. I have nothing for summer.
I gave Jesse lots of attitude this weekend. I think no I know it is because I feel lonely. I don't know how to tell him anything about what is going on in my head and in my heart. I tried a bit yesterday to explain how my heart hurts. But I don't know how to explain that I need more from our relationship. That was my big issue yesterday. I want and need to feel more connected to him. I need more feeling that he cares. I could of cried yesterday when I first got to his house he was laying on his bed I was doing something and he kinda held my hand for a bit. I melted. I wanted to yell out I want more of this I need more of this please don't stop. But I got nervous and just let it all happen without a word.
Ok I just forgot what I was going to say.
Saturday. I was so down. I cried and then I was fine. I cried alot on Saturday. Jesse and I did make it to church. It is going to be a good series. I took notes a bit so I can come home and read and learn more about was Stu was saying. I am thinking I will do this every week so I can further my studies. Zack received a book for his joining Donna's church. I was reading some of it today. I am going to put some of it to use in my other journal. That is if I can find it. :)
I went for a walk down at SS Park yesterday morning. I was really cring and such and thought a good 30 min walk would do me some good. It did I did feel a bit better. I have been hurting a lot though. My masto bumbs hurt again. My shoulders and arms are bugging me. Also I have been itchy a lot. I don't know what the deal is.
I have been planting. I love to play with the dirt. I have to design my garden and get the boys to start moving the earth.
more later kinda tired right now.
