Monday, February 14, 2005
Gratitude
Oh I didn't think I would have anything but........ Miracles do happen.
- Alex helping out... Z man is not feeling well.
- Heather everyone needs a Heather!
- Signs of Spring my indoor garden is starting to take
I hate today
I hate this day. Not because it is Valentines Day ok maybe it has something to do with it. It is a reminder of how love sucks. Just seems that no matter what I do me and relationships just don't get along. Today was the day 16 years ago when my ex and I got our marriage license. We were on the local news (ha 3 secs of fame). He thought it would be a great way to remember the day we got our license, little did we know that we would end of divorced.
Today JP and I are fighting guess it is all my fault, I woke up this morning. So folks probably no gratitude tonight not feeling any right now. The rain finally came so maybe I can get some relief from the pain I am in. I am feeling the pinch today. I just want to hide so today is a good day to clean out my room and finish the freaking laundry. Don't know what my "visitor" will be doing it is raining and you can't work when it is raining. Oh he pissed me off with this visitor crap....
Alex left his money at home today so he could not get his gf flowers which is ok he got her a nice bear and a card a 16yr old does not need anything more. Zack Oh I love this kid he was cute this morning. He gave me a hugh hug and told me to have a great day and he loves me. I told him to have a great day too he said he will because he does not have a gf and it makes life easier that way. Ha advice from a 14 yr on V Day. He was cute. I love my boys they are my world and yet I have not been that great of a mom lately. I have made plans to take them to see the new Van Disel (sp) movie just us, just like we use to. Can't wait for March to get here. ok that is all for now folks. Must move on.
Today JP and I are fighting guess it is all my fault, I woke up this morning. So folks probably no gratitude tonight not feeling any right now. The rain finally came so maybe I can get some relief from the pain I am in. I am feeling the pinch today. I just want to hide so today is a good day to clean out my room and finish the freaking laundry. Don't know what my "visitor" will be doing it is raining and you can't work when it is raining. Oh he pissed me off with this visitor crap....
Alex left his money at home today so he could not get his gf flowers which is ok he got her a nice bear and a card a 16yr old does not need anything more. Zack Oh I love this kid he was cute this morning. He gave me a hugh hug and told me to have a great day and he loves me. I told him to have a great day too he said he will because he does not have a gf and it makes life easier that way. Ha advice from a 14 yr on V Day. He was cute. I love my boys they are my world and yet I have not been that great of a mom lately. I have made plans to take them to see the new Van Disel (sp) movie just us, just like we use to. Can't wait for March to get here. ok that is all for now folks. Must move on.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Gratitude
Going to try something new: I am going to try and think positive and have some gratitude.
"n : a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation"
"n : a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation"
- I woke up today
- I found time for myself
- Had dinner with my family
Updating:
Gee How time flies! Life makes you so busy. You must find time to do the things that you love to do. I miss blogging. Way to many days have gone by since I last had my bitch, no sleep, etc.... writing session.
Alex has decided that he was does not want to live with his dear old Ma any longer. (life is repeating its self.... me at the age of 16.) He feels that my house is the "White House" and that Jesse and Karley take up way to much space and he has not room for himself. Gee Wally that is life, this is a small house. It is big enough for them to be here when they want to. I Finally told him that the world does not own him one god damn thing. He has not earned anything so gets nothing. Todays youth believe we owe them something. I have him birth, I give him food, shelter, clothing and all my love. I finally left their father 4 years ago which was good for him and his brother. That is all I owe him but yet that still is not good enough. This to shall pass, I know but this test is hard the teen years. I use to look forward to my boys being teenagers now I want to start over again so maybe I could do a better job this time. Seems like I messed up some where. I just thank God he does not drink, smoke or do drugs that would even be worse. Alex just being who my father was is getting scary.
I told him told that he was not moving out. NO way no how. Running away from you problem with me does not make the situation better only worse.
I my head is kinda in a running mode this evening so much I want to say and do, it just sucks.
Zack well he is 14 now. He acutally will bring friends over it was nice I ordered them pizza they played xbox, non live verison for it is shut off until next report cards come in. Plus Zack is trying to spend less time playing and if the online is not there to play he really don't want to play. He has been a little mouthy the past 24 hrs but the full moon is rising! Though he as promissed me he will do better in school and try to clean the cat box without being told to. School work the past 2 weeks is getting better, cat box ask a couple of times and he will do it not like before where he would just totatlly ignore me.
Heather my dear cousin I have not talked to her all week. I miss her. I have emailed her once. She probably things ..... something but with her work and school and my lame excuse of being sick for two weeks because of meds and then the kids acting up and the fights I have with Jesse and Jeff I went into hiding. I hate the Bi Po I wish we could find a med for me but with the Masto it is beginning to become really hard. I do hate being the bad man.... Women in my house but these folks don't get it yet.
Jesse: what is there to say. Not sure how this is going to play out.The more I learn from him about our relationship the more I am putting the wall up. We talked the other night I ask him why he does not call this place his house or home. He tells me he is just a visitor here. Says he can't commit because I have to many mood swings and he does not know if I will tell him to leave. WTF!!! AFTER 3 years off all his BS with his EX and his daughter. I know the red flags are all over the place. But Zack loves this guy like a dad and Karley and I are very close. Here we go again doing things for the kids. I do enjoy his company we have so much fun together doing things we like to do. Hell I even got him interested in books. :)! Just don't know what to do right now so for a bit I will do nothing. I need to get my meds straight. Then I will start figuringn out my life and what I am going to do with it.
I am hiding out in my room tonight. It is so much fun. I am enjoying not really having to deal with kids and Jesse, just my computer, Phoenix (the cat) and the laundry. Now if I could just get a good stereo system I would be really set. lol
Recently found out that our Pastor will be leaving our church. I have such mixed emotions about this. I love Stu, I have enjoyed learning about the Bibile and growing closing to God and Jesus through his teachings. This will be a rough transaction for me if they do not find the right Pastor for I will be on the look out for yet another Church to attend. It took me 17 years after my mom died to find the right and this. :( Not happy about it at.
I hurt like hell today from the Masto. I wish it would rain or snow of something. My bones, joints, muscles..... my body feels like crap.
Busy week this week. Monday hum finish laundy. Tuesday Rhoda Wednesday Dr Holt Thursday SSI Friday Hoping to see Heather Friday or Saturday. Sunday day of rest. Thursday Zack sees Sara his dr. He loves talking to her he likes her have the dog in the office he states it makes it easier for him to talk to her while he plays with the dog. Of course that is all I get out of him about his visits he tells me the rest is private and he pleas the 5th.
Well that is it for this update.
Hope everyone has a great Valentines Day.
Alex has decided that he was does not want to live with his dear old Ma any longer. (life is repeating its self.... me at the age of 16.) He feels that my house is the "White House" and that Jesse and Karley take up way to much space and he has not room for himself. Gee Wally that is life, this is a small house. It is big enough for them to be here when they want to. I Finally told him that the world does not own him one god damn thing. He has not earned anything so gets nothing. Todays youth believe we owe them something. I have him birth, I give him food, shelter, clothing and all my love. I finally left their father 4 years ago which was good for him and his brother. That is all I owe him but yet that still is not good enough. This to shall pass, I know but this test is hard the teen years. I use to look forward to my boys being teenagers now I want to start over again so maybe I could do a better job this time. Seems like I messed up some where. I just thank God he does not drink, smoke or do drugs that would even be worse. Alex just being who my father was is getting scary.
I told him told that he was not moving out. NO way no how. Running away from you problem with me does not make the situation better only worse.
I my head is kinda in a running mode this evening so much I want to say and do, it just sucks.
Zack well he is 14 now. He acutally will bring friends over it was nice I ordered them pizza they played xbox, non live verison for it is shut off until next report cards come in. Plus Zack is trying to spend less time playing and if the online is not there to play he really don't want to play. He has been a little mouthy the past 24 hrs but the full moon is rising! Though he as promissed me he will do better in school and try to clean the cat box without being told to. School work the past 2 weeks is getting better, cat box ask a couple of times and he will do it not like before where he would just totatlly ignore me.
Heather my dear cousin I have not talked to her all week. I miss her. I have emailed her once. She probably things ..... something but with her work and school and my lame excuse of being sick for two weeks because of meds and then the kids acting up and the fights I have with Jesse and Jeff I went into hiding. I hate the Bi Po I wish we could find a med for me but with the Masto it is beginning to become really hard. I do hate being the bad man.... Women in my house but these folks don't get it yet.
Jesse: what is there to say. Not sure how this is going to play out.The more I learn from him about our relationship the more I am putting the wall up. We talked the other night I ask him why he does not call this place his house or home. He tells me he is just a visitor here. Says he can't commit because I have to many mood swings and he does not know if I will tell him to leave. WTF!!! AFTER 3 years off all his BS with his EX and his daughter. I know the red flags are all over the place. But Zack loves this guy like a dad and Karley and I are very close. Here we go again doing things for the kids. I do enjoy his company we have so much fun together doing things we like to do. Hell I even got him interested in books. :)! Just don't know what to do right now so for a bit I will do nothing. I need to get my meds straight. Then I will start figuringn out my life and what I am going to do with it.
I am hiding out in my room tonight. It is so much fun. I am enjoying not really having to deal with kids and Jesse, just my computer, Phoenix (the cat) and the laundry. Now if I could just get a good stereo system I would be really set. lol
Recently found out that our Pastor will be leaving our church. I have such mixed emotions about this. I love Stu, I have enjoyed learning about the Bibile and growing closing to God and Jesus through his teachings. This will be a rough transaction for me if they do not find the right Pastor for I will be on the look out for yet another Church to attend. It took me 17 years after my mom died to find the right and this. :( Not happy about it at.
I hurt like hell today from the Masto. I wish it would rain or snow of something. My bones, joints, muscles..... my body feels like crap.
Busy week this week. Monday hum finish laundy. Tuesday Rhoda Wednesday Dr Holt Thursday SSI Friday Hoping to see Heather Friday or Saturday. Sunday day of rest. Thursday Zack sees Sara his dr. He loves talking to her he likes her have the dog in the office he states it makes it easier for him to talk to her while he plays with the dog. Of course that is all I get out of him about his visits he tells me the rest is private and he pleas the 5th.
Well that is it for this update.
Hope everyone has a great Valentines Day.
typos
Sorry about the typos in the Update. I should proof read. But you all get the point. If you don't well then.........
HEY
I am still Alive!!!!! Oh I have been so busy and my family and life have been one big test after another. I am working on getting an update set up. I just could no long wait to get something posted. Miss you all. I hope everyone is having a great day. I am here. So much to do and so very litttle time to get it all done.
More on all of that on my update post. Full moon is coming. Yippie. Hugs all!!!!!!
More on all of that on my update post. Full moon is coming. Yippie. Hugs all!!!!!!
