Moms Life A to Z

What a suck ass day. It's raining! Jesse calls firtst thing in the morning complaining about his cell phone. He won't take the time to learn it so how can I help him! He was just f'en this and that. I can't deal with him being so freaking negative that early in the morning. It just IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I keep tellin him this but gee whiz why is everthing with him always a big deal. I am looking forward to him being at school next week. He won't be able to call me at 8 am bitching about whatever. Nothing has been the same with us since I went into the hospital. We only had sex once since I got out. We really don't even talk unless it is about work. Work, him, kids, doug, gary, life, my parents oh lets not for get Jeff and the rest of my family and the the bills have put me in this state. I feel so alone. Jesse is not in my life anymore not the way it was. It's hard I really do miss the fun... I miss us.

I had to go to Dr. Holt's office to sign papers. I asked Doug to drive with me for I am still scared to drive alone. I got really upset. My heart started to pound really bad and I just started to cry. I felt overwhelmed with everthing yet I don't know what I was overwhelmed about. I composed myself when into the office signed the papers and asked for some neuriton samples. Thank goodness they had some. Just was I walked out the dr. I was undone. I cried all over again. I just poured down my face. I can't explain it. I had to have Doug drive. Doug has been really good to me though all of this. He said he just knows that he is part the reason I am like this. I except the fact that he will never be more than what he is now. God has helped me see this.

The boys are under my skin. All they do is fight and carry on. I hate it. Alex's mouth is out of control. He swears like a trucker. Zack is just being Zack little brat looking for attention. He is so cute but I worry about his weight gain. I just hope it comes off during the summer.

I feel really tired today. I was hoping for a good day. Actually thought I would get something done around this house. NOPE not going to happen it needs cleaned so bad. I did have the boys run the sweeper what a joke that was they fought about that also. . Wow the sun just snuck it's head out. I love the sun. I wish I live in a warmer climate and felt good all the time. I just want some happy days.

I hope my disability gets approved. IF not I do not know what I will do. Guess go back to work and suffer until I get things under control.

How do you get things under control when you don't know where to begin. Maybe the being has to begin with me. I am the root of all my problems it really is all in my head. I can control everything. I just need to learn how to controll the BiPolar I am afraid to tell Jesse that I am Bi Po. He use to talk about Shawn's girl friend and her being Bi Po and what a pain it was and how he could never deal with a gf that has Bi PO. hum seems like we have a problem. Maybe not maybe just don't tell him what's really going on. Just deal with me and my kids and worry about no one else. Gosh it looks so darn pretty out.

Planted some seeds for the garden with Zack and Karley yesterday it was a lot of fun. I enjoy playing in the dirt and I enjoy knowing I will be able to feed my family from this stuff that I am planting. I need to get a freezer and look up canning stuff. I want to can and make life easier for us this winter. Need to spend less money.

I have to pee right now but I really don't feel like getting up. My mind is running like mad with thoughts of what to do and gardening and how to in the hell to lose some of this f'en fat I have. I wish I had a reason to be fat. Like having a baby. Shirley is so lucky to be having a kid. I can't wait. He will be so spoiled by her. It's probably the biggest thing she has ever wanted.
Zack hooked up my fax machine so I can get faxes now. I hope the answer machine works but if it don't oh well.

I think I will go lay down and try to calm evertying down. It is all running way to fast for me right now.

So everything is my fault. My tone in my voice is enough to cause a fight. All I ask is do you want me to get her so you can work late. Jesse makes a big todo about it. Like I am saying he does not want me around Karley well maybe I should be around anyone. I don't want to cause anyone any pain. I don't mean to be mean. I am just so freaking over whelmed with all that is going on. I want to relax but don't know how. Sure wish I had a few extra bucks so I could go out no go away for a few days. Get even the littlest noise is getting to me today.

I don't feel like Jesse appricates anything that I do for him.

I don't think the kids get it.

I am scared.

Did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned so much I think I got a full workout. Body feeling really sore today maybe I did get a full workout. Still very itchy and my stomach is in such pain. Like a knot right in the center.

I feel pretty alone today. The feeling started coming on again yesterday. I hope to learn something from the Dr today. I want to get my life moving. I would really love to go to some sort of group therapy. Maybe I should find a local support group that is free.

Today's Goal:
Clean up my room
take a walk
find a support group
make dinner for the boys
smile

Man is my mind racing today. I am thinking about a million things all at once. I feel like I can get it all done. I am in fast mood. The sun is out maybe that is making me this way. My body just wants to go but yet go to what. I am getting a new chair today ok not new it is use but is will be my chair for my room. I took my tv out and gave it to the boys. I want to read more and do more with my free time than watch tv. It will be all good. Jesse asked me today if I was alright. I always yes yes for I don't want to scare him. He is scared enough of me and all the crap.

The cat is in hyper mode today. She wants out. Need to get the little thing fix so she can go out and play.

Feel likes a Friday.
Still need to get Easter ready
still need to walk or do something I have being 50lbs over weight. I am such a lazy ass.
Lots to do today.
more later.

What a day went from being in a up mood to being down pretty down. I slept for a few hours this afternoon. Of course now I am not ready for bed. Worried about work again, Worried Alex is not doing his homework and Zack always worried about him. Did talk to Jesse today did talk with doug he has been a great big help this week. I guess understands what I am going through he has been through it before.
I hurt really bad today. and the masto leasion in the middle of my back is driving me crazy. Plus I am really itchy this evening. Yikes. My voice sounds like I smoke yuck. I hate the masto. I hate the depression. I want to be happy. I want some good out of this stinking life.

I need to find out how long I am going to be off work. Ben keeps asking. I don't know which Dr to talk to about it. Guess all of them.

can't think of anything else to type tonight.
I would like more up days. So I can concentrate, get things done. My ADLS are way off. no cooking, no cleaning, took a late day shower, no strength to do any of my normal house hold work.

Was pretty short with Jesse today. I guess I am mad at him for not being here more for me.

Lets see now it has been about two months my adls are out of wack. I am hoping that with the help of the flylady program I might some motivation to get things going on.

Donna gave me a chair that was turn into church for the rumage sale. I like it a lot.
No church yesterday bugs me

My stomach is in knots right in the middle feel like I could vomit (sp)

House needs clean
Have nothing for easter for the boys
yikes this is not good.

april 4

hum talked jesse into getting me a lap top. Good and bad. I will do more research now. I mush find away to get better. There has to be a way.

symptoms today

people just bugged the heck out of me. Talking to them made my skin crawl
noise can take
no bowl today. compare to last week when that is all i did
smacked zack in the arm for talking back
made this computer purchse even though we don't have the money but I will make the money some how.
i am a bit worried about my driving sometimes I seem like I am not there. I really have to concentrate when i am on the road. don't know what that is all about.
Jesse does not understand.
Called Dr Holt about time off from work. Call Met life on Friday to get the paper work goingl
I need a break I really need to get my life my brain in order.
not feeling tired today that is weird for it is the change of the clock day and usually I like to sleep on those days.
Losing my desire for food. Cereal was my food for the day today three bowls. Had a whopper after I bought the lap top.
Jesse asked me today why I was so quite last night at dinner. I don't know I was just taking it all in. really had nothing to say.
I really just wanted to go home and have sex with him but that did not happen. We got back to his place after taking Alex to his dad's and I fell asleep. Jesse tried waking me me to go home but I told him I was to tired to go home. Really I just wanted to lay next to him in bed and hope for the sex. No sex so off to sleep I went.

So I have heard the Bi Po runs in the family. They are testing Garrett and we know that Jeff has it. and who else in the family. Both sides are pretty messed up.

Why is it that every lllness that i have is upset by STRESS? this really just sucks