Moms Life A to Z

What a suck ass day. It's raining! Jesse calls firtst thing in the morning complaining about his cell phone. He won't take the time to learn it so how can I help him! He was just f'en this and that. I can't deal with him being so freaking negative that early in the morning. It just IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I keep tellin him this but gee whiz why is everthing with him always a big deal. I am looking forward to him being at school next week. He won't be able to call me at 8 am bitching about whatever. Nothing has been the same with us since I went into the hospital. We only had sex once since I got out. We really don't even talk unless it is about work. Work, him, kids, doug, gary, life, my parents oh lets not for get Jeff and the rest of my family and the the bills have put me in this state. I feel so alone. Jesse is not in my life anymore not the way it was. It's hard I really do miss the fun... I miss us.

I had to go to Dr. Holt's office to sign papers. I asked Doug to drive with me for I am still scared to drive alone. I got really upset. My heart started to pound really bad and I just started to cry. I felt overwhelmed with everthing yet I don't know what I was overwhelmed about. I composed myself when into the office signed the papers and asked for some neuriton samples. Thank goodness they had some. Just was I walked out the dr. I was undone. I cried all over again. I just poured down my face. I can't explain it. I had to have Doug drive. Doug has been really good to me though all of this. He said he just knows that he is part the reason I am like this. I except the fact that he will never be more than what he is now. God has helped me see this.

The boys are under my skin. All they do is fight and carry on. I hate it. Alex's mouth is out of control. He swears like a trucker. Zack is just being Zack little brat looking for attention. He is so cute but I worry about his weight gain. I just hope it comes off during the summer.

I feel really tired today. I was hoping for a good day. Actually thought I would get something done around this house. NOPE not going to happen it needs cleaned so bad. I did have the boys run the sweeper what a joke that was they fought about that also. . Wow the sun just snuck it's head out. I love the sun. I wish I live in a warmer climate and felt good all the time. I just want some happy days.

I hope my disability gets approved. IF not I do not know what I will do. Guess go back to work and suffer until I get things under control.

How do you get things under control when you don't know where to begin. Maybe the being has to begin with me. I am the root of all my problems it really is all in my head. I can control everything. I just need to learn how to controll the BiPolar I am afraid to tell Jesse that I am Bi Po. He use to talk about Shawn's girl friend and her being Bi Po and what a pain it was and how he could never deal with a gf that has Bi PO. hum seems like we have a problem. Maybe not maybe just don't tell him what's really going on. Just deal with me and my kids and worry about no one else. Gosh it looks so darn pretty out.

Planted some seeds for the garden with Zack and Karley yesterday it was a lot of fun. I enjoy playing in the dirt and I enjoy knowing I will be able to feed my family from this stuff that I am planting. I need to get a freezer and look up canning stuff. I want to can and make life easier for us this winter. Need to spend less money.

I have to pee right now but I really don't feel like getting up. My mind is running like mad with thoughts of what to do and gardening and how to in the hell to lose some of this f'en fat I have. I wish I had a reason to be fat. Like having a baby. Shirley is so lucky to be having a kid. I can't wait. He will be so spoiled by her. It's probably the biggest thing she has ever wanted.
Zack hooked up my fax machine so I can get faxes now. I hope the answer machine works but if it don't oh well.

I think I will go lay down and try to calm evertying down. It is all running way to fast for me right now.